Unending philosophical question aside, I’ll start my inaugural post by addressing the simpler version: why am I blogging, and what about?
It’s been a roundabout journey for me. I’ve dabbled, experimented, tried, tried to not try. I’ve met amazing people, I’ve let go of people society says I should keep at all costs. I’ve lived in a van, I’ve made my own deodorant, I’ve tried so many different kinds of bodywork and become trained in several of my favorites. I’ve spent my thousands of hours meditating over the years and kept a yoga practice. So why, after all that, am I not positively radiating sunshine?
I was missing some really big pieces of the puzzle, and I see that now. Along that journey I held people at an arm’s length, justified constant shopping by telling myself “it’s the thrift store, it’s ok.” I fell into friendships rather than using discernment. I let people tell me what to do and talk over me, and I kept on racking up resentment. Tendencies like these only last you so long before you’re sitting alone during a pandemic, none of your self care making a dent in your angst, wondering where it all went wrong.
The past year in particular has been the most humbling of my life. I reconnected with my best friend from college, fell in love, gave too much, pulled back, overcompensated, and suddenly there I was, in over my head. My ego had a story about how responsible I was, and I blew the story out of the water. I couldn’t trust myself to make good decisions when lonely. And as many of us know, lack of trust in ourselves to navigate this insane world is a common contributor to anxiety.
This down and out period caused me to take protective measures, because it seemed my very survival was at stake. Anyone who took more than they gave was given notice of new boundaries, and those who lashed out were cut out. I stopped shopping. I stopped doing nice things for people I knew in advance wouldn’t appreciate them. Though this made my people pleasing self cringe left and right night and day, I sat with it all. And you know what? It dissipated. It took forever, it wasn’t linear, and it was messy; but it dissipated.
Humbled, humored, honored, at last I share. Boundaried, fulfilling sharing that brings joy to myself as well as others is something I can understand and envision. The future is uncertain, the past is an improperly remembered dream. I am Now.
Heather Ralston 